a frail continuous sequence spanning over lives
blindfolded by stars we roam in our realm
striving to the very last, dwindling at the most

relentless marching in the waste we produce for living
tending to forget we are not the lasting kind
every day we die we are slowly decomposing
the steps we take upon the earth will be worn and lost

as the moment elapsed we walked in slowmotion
denying the tide we'll find our devotion

possessed by our possessions we deny the present
in the gallery of achievements we look upon the past
and as the moment passed away recalling the restraint
counting and weighing the amounts of our breaths

but strong in the knowledge of our lack of purpose
by learning the fear and gaining our composure
content at the surface descension to come
peace in aloneness although all will be lost

as the moment elapsed we walked in slowmotion
awaiting the tide we'll lose our devotion


It's weird how my brain was full of thoughts and now there's nothing really. Just lost somehow. Maybe my brain is not up to thinking about deep things right now.
But let's give it a try anyway.

Do I believe in life after death?
It's hard to imagine nothing. So it's hard to imagine nothing after death. And even though I am a pessimist, it's sad to think that this life (that so far hasn't been to good on me) is the only life I'll have. And It's hard to argue for nothing after death when you believe in someone being present in you life, ghost, angel, call it what you want. She's there... I know it...
So then the question would be asked: how is life after death?
Now that's a more tricky one. See, we can't know until we're dead, and I'm not sure I want to die just yet. I don't believe in hell or paradise or heaven. I don't believe in gods and angels or demons and devils. And the things we call soul is something extremly hard to define. Maybe it's what becomes after we sum of the parts. You know, something more, that we can't explain is there. How can we be just chemical reactions in the brain, when we have such an amazing ability to think and feel? While other animals live on instinct, we live on common sense (or insanity, depending on the person..). But does that prove we have a soul? Or does all that live have a soul? Is life the soul? Does that life move on into something else, does it transform and continue to live in another existence?
Can we somehow sense this other existence, and can they sense and communicate with us?
If.
Maybe it's like in the Discworld? You'll end up where ever you believe you'll end up. Do you believe in a heavenly paradise, that is what you'll get. If you don't believe in anything, that's what you'll get. Nothing.

Then there was the question of destiny, fate and free will.
I'd like to think I have a free will. I want control of my life. Don't we always have a choice, even when it feels like we don't?
But the concept of destiny and fate sort of creeps upon me. If we are more than the sum of our parts, maybe the world is to? That maybe there is some kind of flow in time that desides our life for us. Some force that gives us a destiny.
Sometimes I say that the world has been cruel to me. But then the world must have decided to be cruel to me. It must have made up a plan for me. A cruel plan.
But still I believe in making choices, free will. Maybe there is a thread through our lives that will lead us, but that we can still have the oportunity to choose for ourselves what road to walk? But still, sooner or later, end up where we are supposed to be. That every person has a purpose, every plant has a purpose, every star has a purpose, and a cycle in life that has already been determined. That somehow things are going exactly as they should, no matter good or bad. It's just a flow...
But I'd still like to think that I'm in control. That I can do whatever I want, if the opportunity for it rises.
And we're small.
We can't say that we rule the world. Humans are small futile beings easily erased from their existence by fluke. After us, new life might arise, roam the earth for a few million years, and then it would all start over again, until the sun exploded, or whatever it's supposed to do.
But then again... By being more intelligent than the animals and plants that exist on the earth, we have managed to destroy a lot. We're like a pest, spreading everywhere in high speed, eating and destroying everything in our way. We say we have the right, for we are better. We forget that even though we have the ability to think and talk we still must live in harmony with the world, like most else. Or accept that we are a cruel race.
A fluke. It will be a fluke. Just some accident no one could predict and prevent, and we'll be all gone. History won't have noticed us. The universe will go on as it always has. We're just smaller than nothing.

I'm not making any sense. I'm only confusing myself more.

All I know is that I want to meet Binky...