and in the nightmares you run away
you'll always come to the same decision
when the feelings tear like they won't repair
Yes, I get to sleep in late tomorrow, very late actually. Probably just what I need right now... Something else I need is time for myself. At least they're going away soon, for a few days.
I wonder if it will all go back to ordinary soon. That's the way it usually goes. First we fight (they yell, I sit quiet or cry my eyes out) and then I'm pissed, irritated and annoyed for a few days, and just try to ignore them. Then, unnoticeably it all just goes back to normal. I hate it when that happens, cause it makes me feel like I really didn't have anything to be angry about. I tell myself that perhaps it's because my friends at school make me not think about it. If I don't think I'm not angry, it's as easy as that. I keep thinking that I'm still angry with them for it, but now I can't really remember what most of the arguments where about. I just remember the big ones... And they aren't that many.
Let's see, I don't remember what order they occurred, but I might be able to guess, based on certain things... We fought one Christmas, what about I can't really remember; I'm guessing it had to do with us sitting by our computers.
There have been two scares (there was fighting involved though). At one I ran away from home, sort of.
Then there was this stupid party, and I do regret some parts of it, but not going there. That one was really nasty too... I was sort of in the same state of chock I'm usually in and the silence triggered some unpleasant behaviour.
Hmm, there was also this time when we where going to Norway. I got insanely cranky about something, and kept being a bitch in the car. Finally they threw me out on the coast (with his mother for a few days, unluckily leaving my mobile phone in the car).
Two months after was the one I'll probably never regret, just that I didn't say anything earlier. Take a good guess. Yes, it was about my dearest, who I'd at the time only meet IRL two times. They didn't know about it, and I had lied quite a bit. But it turned out nice, now didn't it?
Next summer we were at it again. I think was about my father. Yes, that was it. I spent the night at a friend again, and didn't call home. Didn't really want to, see. That's understandable, right? Next morning, while everyone was sleeping except me, I received a call from my grandmother, which was really unnecessary. I had also forgotten my keys that time. I remember borrowing money from another friend. I think I even can say what day it was if I looked it up. The festival had started... It must have been then when they threw me out into the small house for the weekend. I was going to start working in a week or something, and thought I'd stay home, but rushed off by train instead... We sort of made up before I left, but the ticket was booked, and I wouldn't have stayed anyway.
I guess there has been some small stuff, when I've just being grumpy. Usually it's been them nagging about the dishes, me nagging about all the computer stuff never being fixed, or just anything worth criticizing.
And now this, the ultimate one. It's just another crack, I guess. Put it together with all the small ones no one remembers and the cracks should be many. We're just different, and that's the way it's supposed to be. But there's also a lack of understanding, which makes the differences quite large. They have never gotten to see me as I am. Caution is the trick when being around them, though a trick I never fully mastered. I just get annoyed too easily, and they do to. Yes, we might be alike in some ways, but the way we react after the immediate irritation and the thoughts going around in our heads are probably profoundly different.
There are so many things to notice in all of this. For example, they again use him as an ultimatum of sorts. "If you don't do this we won't allow him here." Yeah, well, good argument, that really makes me want to do it so much more. No really, it just pissed me off that they dare use him in that way. Taking away my Internet when I don't clean my room or do the dishes I can understand, but seriously? You think that help? Gosh.
Now they use it again, and I see how they think it partly his fault. So now they say again: "Do this and I'll take back what I said about him". Clever, clever. Now, if I hadn't thought about doing it I would have been angry and gone against them more just to piss them off more. But I have thought about doing it, without telling them (would have been a nice surprise for them) so now I'm just mildly irritated that they've used him as an ultimatum. I couldn't care less about what they "suggested" because I actually don't care whether he's allowed here or not. I wasn't planning on spending any more weekends here with him anyway. I like it at his place. We're by our selves, and that's worth six hours travel total in one weekend. I can relax there, which is already more than I can say about this house...
What else? There where some pretty harsh words coming through there. I had the right to be annoyed, and yes, I might have said a bit too much. But I'm still more hurt than angry. Agreed, I am immature and naïve. Hey, who isn't at 19? But stupid, now that was harsh. Saying I might just as well not come home and quit school, saying I have thrown away what I've fought so hard for all these years... Now I'm angry. How dare they say anything about what I've fought for!? What the hell do they know about that!? Nothing! Absolutely nothing.
One thing they haven't got yet is that I still can't learn from other people's mistakes. It does not work what way. You have to make your own mistakes, because you can hear any story about someone's life, and still not know a single thing, no matter how detailed the story might have been. You know what not to do in life when you've made the mistake and tasted the bitter taste of failure. Not even then does everyone learn. Some people might, notice: might, be able to learn when it happens to someone you're close to, and if you're there as it happens. It's unusual but it does occur.
It's my life. That's the final truth. I think, I feel, I evaluate, I decide. The final truth gives me control over my life. I, and I alone, have the right to decide what I'm going to do with my years.
On to other subjects. Still about myself of course. Who else?
I find pleasure in being understood. Since I feel constantly misunderstood, and have felt so for many years, I seek it. It feels like an impossible task; to get others to understand me, so that does happen I feel pleased. I feel a bond with the person who understood, which sadly only lasts for a while, for it's not exactly like they talk about it all the time. No, that would be a bore anyway, but I guess I don't get to hear the words "wow, I totally get how you feel!" enough. I start to wonder if it's because I'm hard to understand, or because I'm crappy at explaining how I feel and how I think, or because they just don't care enough? That makes me sad again, that's why it doesn't last so long...
I find pleasure in understanding others. I want to understand them. I sometimes suddenly feel extremely curious about a person, and want to find out more about them and understand them. I've picked up pieces about them I just can't put together and desperately want to do so.
I find pleasure in the connection and appreciation. Which is more than understandable. Who doesn't feel like that? But it has to be put the right way, else I don't believe it. But the general connection is just based on a feeling really. Doesn't have to be understanding, but just some hint that the other person cares, and finds me worth talking to, about anything...
I miss a lot of things. I'm often jealous of people, for their friends, for their abilities, for their lives. I wish more for myself, but I've never been able to take a step, to make a difference.
I wish I could go out more, be social, meet new people, and say hi to old ones. I wish I had one of those best friends who you could just feel is of your kind, who you share interests with, who you can do anything with, or nothing, and have fun without worrying about it becoming boring. I wish I had someone I trusted and could talk to who would give me feedback and advice. If I don't get that, I'll just not talk at all. It feels weird to just talk and hear nothing but silence and the occasional "mhm". I want to say things that awakens thoughts and leads to discussions...
I hate that my computer is my best friend. I hate that I can't just talk to people, be social. I hate that I can't trust anyone. I hate the fact that I keep old grudges that just make me angry when I think about them. I hate that I hate myself. I feel bad about myself, and I start thinking about everything that's wrong with me and it just goes on and on and on... Self-loathing is not exactly what you would want in someone, is it? And I still hate the way I am...
At least I'm naïve enough to think I can change. Let's give it a go, and see how I fail. Hope mixes with utter despair, and voilá! You have me. Great, eh?
If I can't change I'm hoping on dying before 30... or 25. Life would just... suck.
See, this is how it gets. Someone give me back faith in people, and myself? There has to be a way.
22:30-00:22, 2008-03-31/2008-04-01
Sorry about it being so long. That's the way I get late at night when I can't sleep...
when the feelings tear like they won't repair
Yes, I get to sleep in late tomorrow, very late actually. Probably just what I need right now... Something else I need is time for myself. At least they're going away soon, for a few days.
I wonder if it will all go back to ordinary soon. That's the way it usually goes. First we fight (they yell, I sit quiet or cry my eyes out) and then I'm pissed, irritated and annoyed for a few days, and just try to ignore them. Then, unnoticeably it all just goes back to normal. I hate it when that happens, cause it makes me feel like I really didn't have anything to be angry about. I tell myself that perhaps it's because my friends at school make me not think about it. If I don't think I'm not angry, it's as easy as that. I keep thinking that I'm still angry with them for it, but now I can't really remember what most of the arguments where about. I just remember the big ones... And they aren't that many.
Let's see, I don't remember what order they occurred, but I might be able to guess, based on certain things... We fought one Christmas, what about I can't really remember; I'm guessing it had to do with us sitting by our computers.
There have been two scares (there was fighting involved though). At one I ran away from home, sort of.
Then there was this stupid party, and I do regret some parts of it, but not going there. That one was really nasty too... I was sort of in the same state of chock I'm usually in and the silence triggered some unpleasant behaviour.
Hmm, there was also this time when we where going to Norway. I got insanely cranky about something, and kept being a bitch in the car. Finally they threw me out on the coast (with his mother for a few days, unluckily leaving my mobile phone in the car).
Two months after was the one I'll probably never regret, just that I didn't say anything earlier. Take a good guess. Yes, it was about my dearest, who I'd at the time only meet IRL two times. They didn't know about it, and I had lied quite a bit. But it turned out nice, now didn't it?
Next summer we were at it again. I think was about my father. Yes, that was it. I spent the night at a friend again, and didn't call home. Didn't really want to, see. That's understandable, right? Next morning, while everyone was sleeping except me, I received a call from my grandmother, which was really unnecessary. I had also forgotten my keys that time. I remember borrowing money from another friend. I think I even can say what day it was if I looked it up. The festival had started... It must have been then when they threw me out into the small house for the weekend. I was going to start working in a week or something, and thought I'd stay home, but rushed off by train instead... We sort of made up before I left, but the ticket was booked, and I wouldn't have stayed anyway.
I guess there has been some small stuff, when I've just being grumpy. Usually it's been them nagging about the dishes, me nagging about all the computer stuff never being fixed, or just anything worth criticizing.
And now this, the ultimate one. It's just another crack, I guess. Put it together with all the small ones no one remembers and the cracks should be many. We're just different, and that's the way it's supposed to be. But there's also a lack of understanding, which makes the differences quite large. They have never gotten to see me as I am. Caution is the trick when being around them, though a trick I never fully mastered. I just get annoyed too easily, and they do to. Yes, we might be alike in some ways, but the way we react after the immediate irritation and the thoughts going around in our heads are probably profoundly different.
There are so many things to notice in all of this. For example, they again use him as an ultimatum of sorts. "If you don't do this we won't allow him here." Yeah, well, good argument, that really makes me want to do it so much more. No really, it just pissed me off that they dare use him in that way. Taking away my Internet when I don't clean my room or do the dishes I can understand, but seriously? You think that help? Gosh.
Now they use it again, and I see how they think it partly his fault. So now they say again: "Do this and I'll take back what I said about him". Clever, clever. Now, if I hadn't thought about doing it I would have been angry and gone against them more just to piss them off more. But I have thought about doing it, without telling them (would have been a nice surprise for them) so now I'm just mildly irritated that they've used him as an ultimatum. I couldn't care less about what they "suggested" because I actually don't care whether he's allowed here or not. I wasn't planning on spending any more weekends here with him anyway. I like it at his place. We're by our selves, and that's worth six hours travel total in one weekend. I can relax there, which is already more than I can say about this house...
What else? There where some pretty harsh words coming through there. I had the right to be annoyed, and yes, I might have said a bit too much. But I'm still more hurt than angry. Agreed, I am immature and naïve. Hey, who isn't at 19? But stupid, now that was harsh. Saying I might just as well not come home and quit school, saying I have thrown away what I've fought so hard for all these years... Now I'm angry. How dare they say anything about what I've fought for!? What the hell do they know about that!? Nothing! Absolutely nothing.
One thing they haven't got yet is that I still can't learn from other people's mistakes. It does not work what way. You have to make your own mistakes, because you can hear any story about someone's life, and still not know a single thing, no matter how detailed the story might have been. You know what not to do in life when you've made the mistake and tasted the bitter taste of failure. Not even then does everyone learn. Some people might, notice: might, be able to learn when it happens to someone you're close to, and if you're there as it happens. It's unusual but it does occur.
It's my life. That's the final truth. I think, I feel, I evaluate, I decide. The final truth gives me control over my life. I, and I alone, have the right to decide what I'm going to do with my years.
On to other subjects. Still about myself of course. Who else?
I find pleasure in being understood. Since I feel constantly misunderstood, and have felt so for many years, I seek it. It feels like an impossible task; to get others to understand me, so that does happen I feel pleased. I feel a bond with the person who understood, which sadly only lasts for a while, for it's not exactly like they talk about it all the time. No, that would be a bore anyway, but I guess I don't get to hear the words "wow, I totally get how you feel!" enough. I start to wonder if it's because I'm hard to understand, or because I'm crappy at explaining how I feel and how I think, or because they just don't care enough? That makes me sad again, that's why it doesn't last so long...
I find pleasure in understanding others. I want to understand them. I sometimes suddenly feel extremely curious about a person, and want to find out more about them and understand them. I've picked up pieces about them I just can't put together and desperately want to do so.
I find pleasure in the connection and appreciation. Which is more than understandable. Who doesn't feel like that? But it has to be put the right way, else I don't believe it. But the general connection is just based on a feeling really. Doesn't have to be understanding, but just some hint that the other person cares, and finds me worth talking to, about anything...
I miss a lot of things. I'm often jealous of people, for their friends, for their abilities, for their lives. I wish more for myself, but I've never been able to take a step, to make a difference.
I wish I could go out more, be social, meet new people, and say hi to old ones. I wish I had one of those best friends who you could just feel is of your kind, who you share interests with, who you can do anything with, or nothing, and have fun without worrying about it becoming boring. I wish I had someone I trusted and could talk to who would give me feedback and advice. If I don't get that, I'll just not talk at all. It feels weird to just talk and hear nothing but silence and the occasional "mhm". I want to say things that awakens thoughts and leads to discussions...
I hate that my computer is my best friend. I hate that I can't just talk to people, be social. I hate that I can't trust anyone. I hate the fact that I keep old grudges that just make me angry when I think about them. I hate that I hate myself. I feel bad about myself, and I start thinking about everything that's wrong with me and it just goes on and on and on... Self-loathing is not exactly what you would want in someone, is it? And I still hate the way I am...
At least I'm naïve enough to think I can change. Let's give it a go, and see how I fail. Hope mixes with utter despair, and voilá! You have me. Great, eh?
If I can't change I'm hoping on dying before 30... or 25. Life would just... suck.
See, this is how it gets. Someone give me back faith in people, and myself? There has to be a way.
22:30-00:22, 2008-03-31/2008-04-01
Sorry about it being so long. That's the way I get late at night when I can't sleep...
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