to fight for an illusion
holding my breath
biting my tongue

I try to cope
so give me a reason
I'm waiting for help

I'm trapped by my guilt
want to be forgotten
tired of the noise
aching for relief

It feels like I'm dying.

I'm going through something right now that I can't really put into words. It touches the depths of what is me and turns everything up-side-down. I don't know if it's some sort of personal crisis, or what ever it might be, but it's getting hard to handle.
I suppose it's just too much feelings at once. There is too much that I have to go through.

I have often drawn a line over how personal I get here. I never say things clearly. Maybe I should.

There are several issues. One is mostly about myself. I realized that I can't continue being what I am. I've changed over the few years, at least the way I act outwards. But I've gone too far to the opposite. Cruelty became first a weapon to protect myself, now I just lash out at everyone, for the fun of it. I've understood that I hurt people, that I annoy people, and I knew I had to limit it. But now I've also understood that I can't limit it. I have to stop, completely. No one wants to be friends with a bitch. Some of that behaviour might make me who I am, but it's not something I want to be.
Why I'm like this will probably be left as a question forever unanswered.

Next we have the issue of life-altering decisions, which are based on several other issues. I didn't know what I wanted before, then I had decided, and now I know even less. At one point.. well, let's not mention any more of that.
The thing is, I have to decide, now. I can't wait anymore, push it away anymore. It's time to decide whether to live with him for a year, or just leave everything behind and go off to school in the big city.
I had decided, but something changed how I felt about it. Everything that has been going on has made me very emotional, since there has indeed being a lot going on, not just in my private life, but in school as well. And I have been thinking about something for a long time that I kept to myself, which I shouldn't have. I didn't think it to be a big issue, but turned out that is was. My emotional state made me bring it up, finally, and it wasn't pleasant. Feelings never are pleasant. Everything said made me doubt, and I still do. And it makes me cry every day, every night...

Everything at home just snapped back into normal, like nothing ever happened. It happened just like I thought it would, and I guess it's for the better. I don't like it here, but now it's at least bearable.

It's hard to think rational or not to think about things that just upset you, when you're left alone. Because suddenly I feel all alone again. Yes, you would say I'm not. I have friends, right? Someone to talk to? But it's hard to talk when you can't put some things into words. It's hard to talk when saying it would take forever. I don't want to bore anyone to death... And I feels like even if I did talk to someone, if I got a hug, then it wouldn't make me feel better. I would still cry. It wouldn't solve anything. I might get advice, but they're no good when you feel like there's nothing you can do.
I might have friends, but they can't solve my problems. They can't make my life any better. So I'm alone.