I made my decision
And someone's got to be hurt
Sometimes people are meant to stay
Maybe I will be someday

Yes, the decision is made.
I've thought about it for some time now. I've gone through everything bad that could come out of it, and everything reason why I should or should not do it. I could make a list, but it would indeed become long, and I would certainly forget something.
   I've also discussed it with anyone sensible about different aspects and problems that might occur. Now, I've made a decision. It has been on my tongue for some time now, but now it's made, now it's for real.

I will take a year of from studies, I will get a job (whatever the job might be) and I will move to a small town in Småland. Yes, I might hate not being in school anymore (I'm bringing my mathbooks!) and I might hate whatever job I get, and things might not work out between my love and me, and so on and so on. There are risks, of course. But it's not like I'm doing it just cause he's not going to start studing. I'm so deeply tired of school and all that comes with it, and I can't see how I can handle three to five more years of it. I just don't see myself if that position yet.
   And it's not like I feel grown up. I don't feel mature enough to go wandering out into the big unknown by myself yet. Honestly, I don't know how to take care of myself, and there is no time now to learn how, if I would be moving to the big unknown by the end of summer. I don't feel ready to just start learning to know new people yet. Not in the extend that is needed there. No, I have to grow a little first. I have to learn more about myself first, I have to evolve, I have to get away from the scenery of that horrible town and give myself another chance, before plunging headfirst into darkness. Ah, they'd say that they would be by my side and help me through everything in the beggining, but the truth is that they would be miles and miles away, and what good can they do then? I'd be alone. I'd panic at the first problem, issue. I know myself, and I know that panic is always the first step in those situations.
   Also, I still don't know what I want out of life yet. I don't know what I'd be willing to lay down three to five years of my life to study and then work with. I can't make a decision about that if I haven't found anything that makes me sure that that's the right thing, that's what I want to do. And I haven't found anything like that yet. I don't have the "wow!"-feeling about anything yet... And if I then go ahead and just choose something cause I feel I have to at least study right away, and probably end up hating it, not feeling up to it, I'd have wasted 1 year of my life, and on top of that I'd be in dept to CSN for one year wasted. I don't want that either...
   There are so many reasons for one and the other, whether to study or to work. But I have to be the one to make the decision, based on my own feelings about myself (because this is foremost about me, whatever you might think) and I have to do what feels best for me right now. What comes in the future we can not know, and there are risks in everything, but I have to take a step, and this is what I'm doing now. I have controll over my own life, and I might be just a bit stronger than you think. And if it's a mistake.. well, the I have learned something new. I can't learn from others' mistakes. It doesn't work that way. I can't just hide and let others decide for me, just because they say that they know better than me what's best for me. Life doesn't work that way. I may not know what is best for me, but I do know what I want, and that's how you must life. Do what you want not what others want for you, not what others might think you want.
   That's what's been annoying me by the way. Them trying to decide for me, where to live, where to go to school. When I'm irritaded that's what it feels like they're doing. Yes, they're just trying to help me, they are just trying to do what they think is best for me, protect me in some matter, but they have to let me go. They have to let me think and make my own decisions instead of forcing these ideas into my head that I'm no capable of doing anything else than to apply to an university. I know you're just trying to help me, but just let me do everything myself...
   While I'm at it I can also mention that the whole thing with wanting to talk sense into him because it's apperently for my own good is just nonsense. What I do with my life you might just be allowed to have opinions about, but when it comes to what he does then you have no right to try to convince him that he's doing the (in your eyes) wrong thing. That has nothing to do with you, so just keep out of it.

Well, now that I've said that... Feels a bit better. Now I just have to tell them straight... That, my friends, is going to be a bit harder.