When no one wants to hear it anymore
Someday soon you're gonna get up off the floor
Cause no one wants to hear that shit

I'm tired, so tired. Giving up always seems like the easiest way. But I could never give up, cause there is people who believe in me, one way or another.
But it would be so easy.

I never try enough. I just complain in my own head. I'm sorry that I don't have the strenght to try hard enough.

If I could just tell you this, if I could have the strenght to bring it up an actually say something, knowing you'd listen and have something to say in return, I wouldn't need this. That's the truth I figured out.
But words come out easier in writing.


Would you have something to say?

a frail continuous sequence spanning over lives
blindfolded by stars we roam in our realm
striving to the very last, dwindling at the most

relentless marching in the waste we produce for living
tending to forget we are not the lasting kind
every day we die we are slowly decomposing
the steps we take upon the earth will be worn and lost

as the moment elapsed we walked in slowmotion
denying the tide we'll find our devotion

possessed by our possessions we deny the present
in the gallery of achievements we look upon the past
and as the moment passed away recalling the restraint
counting and weighing the amounts of our breaths

but strong in the knowledge of our lack of purpose
by learning the fear and gaining our composure
content at the surface descension to come
peace in aloneness although all will be lost

as the moment elapsed we walked in slowmotion
awaiting the tide we'll lose our devotion


It's weird how my brain was full of thoughts and now there's nothing really. Just lost somehow. Maybe my brain is not up to thinking about deep things right now.
But let's give it a try anyway.

Do I believe in life after death?
It's hard to imagine nothing. So it's hard to imagine nothing after death. And even though I am a pessimist, it's sad to think that this life (that so far hasn't been to good on me) is the only life I'll have. And It's hard to argue for nothing after death when you believe in someone being present in you life, ghost, angel, call it what you want. She's there... I know it...
So then the question would be asked: how is life after death?
Now that's a more tricky one. See, we can't know until we're dead, and I'm not sure I want to die just yet. I don't believe in hell or paradise or heaven. I don't believe in gods and angels or demons and devils. And the things we call soul is something extremly hard to define. Maybe it's what becomes after we sum of the parts. You know, something more, that we can't explain is there. How can we be just chemical reactions in the brain, when we have such an amazing ability to think and feel? While other animals live on instinct, we live on common sense (or insanity, depending on the person..). But does that prove we have a soul? Or does all that live have a soul? Is life the soul? Does that life move on into something else, does it transform and continue to live in another existence?
Can we somehow sense this other existence, and can they sense and communicate with us?
If.
Maybe it's like in the Discworld? You'll end up where ever you believe you'll end up. Do you believe in a heavenly paradise, that is what you'll get. If you don't believe in anything, that's what you'll get. Nothing.

Then there was the question of destiny, fate and free will.
I'd like to think I have a free will. I want control of my life. Don't we always have a choice, even when it feels like we don't?
But the concept of destiny and fate sort of creeps upon me. If we are more than the sum of our parts, maybe the world is to? That maybe there is some kind of flow in time that desides our life for us. Some force that gives us a destiny.
Sometimes I say that the world has been cruel to me. But then the world must have decided to be cruel to me. It must have made up a plan for me. A cruel plan.
But still I believe in making choices, free will. Maybe there is a thread through our lives that will lead us, but that we can still have the oportunity to choose for ourselves what road to walk? But still, sooner or later, end up where we are supposed to be. That every person has a purpose, every plant has a purpose, every star has a purpose, and a cycle in life that has already been determined. That somehow things are going exactly as they should, no matter good or bad. It's just a flow...
But I'd still like to think that I'm in control. That I can do whatever I want, if the opportunity for it rises.
And we're small.
We can't say that we rule the world. Humans are small futile beings easily erased from their existence by fluke. After us, new life might arise, roam the earth for a few million years, and then it would all start over again, until the sun exploded, or whatever it's supposed to do.
But then again... By being more intelligent than the animals and plants that exist on the earth, we have managed to destroy a lot. We're like a pest, spreading everywhere in high speed, eating and destroying everything in our way. We say we have the right, for we are better. We forget that even though we have the ability to think and talk we still must live in harmony with the world, like most else. Or accept that we are a cruel race.
A fluke. It will be a fluke. Just some accident no one could predict and prevent, and we'll be all gone. History won't have noticed us. The universe will go on as it always has. We're just smaller than nothing.

I'm not making any sense. I'm only confusing myself more.

All I know is that I want to meet Binky...

...when the smallest thing could make you happy again.

Sometimes I think I'm insane.

That friday... I was thrown into a black hole, and I couldn't get out. The dream and the words haunted me, and it was all I could think of. My mind has a weird way of fighting dark moods.
For a long time, I've been creating  places and people in my head as a way of coping with things. There is a house, and a person, that helps me keep calm, and think about things in general. It's like I'm discussing things with the other half of myself.  They're both in my head somewhere. Now, it's not strange when I go somewhere in my head to talk to him. Not for me anyway. I need it. But it is all the more strange when I almost can feel the presence of him in the "real" world. He followed me on my walks. He put a hand om my shoulder and said how everything was going to be alright, and how none of what was going on in my head at that point mattered. And as they smiled and laughed and I felt anger and anvy to their happiness, he tried to convince me to be strong and calm. And when I sat on a bench, waiting and thinking, wanting the agonizing time to pass faster, he stood there in front of me, looking at me in a comforting way, and it just made me feel better. And I was at the same time chocked of how real the presence felt. If I didn't know better, I could have sworn he was really there..

I'm insane. I must be.

All this, all that has been going on these days, it's all based on fear.

Pull me 'round
And tell me that you'll never let me drown
Touch me slow
Like your fingertips might never let me go

But you know
That I`m caught between the magic that you gave to me
And the fear that you might leave
Because it scares me

Yesterday was a good day. Today isn't. That's how it goes; up and down, and I can't stop it. All I can do when I sit there with my headache and dark, depressing thoughts is to desperatly think of something good. Today is a day when I have something good to think of... Love never dies, that's what it says.



What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'd like to believe that, in more than one aspect. Because now, even though I may not have a good day, what was before, seems unimportant. Now it's just back to basics. All that matters... Well, you probably can figure that one out.

You think I'm strong?
I'm not.
You think I can handle anything?
I can't.
You think I don't doubt? You think I don't fail?
I do.
I'm just glad that now I have something to hang on to.

Drag me through the vaporous void, prevent this misery
Stay until the end inside of me
Drag me through the vaporous void, prevent this misery
Take me to the place where I can see you

You'll have to be wrong today
For once, I can't be wrong
I was wrong before

This day is just the worst I've had in years. The world is messing with me and my head is messing with me. Everything is just going straight to hell.
Why did I have to wake up???
Yes, of course. How could I forget? The dream. That's why I woke up. That's why I don't want to sleep again, but I don't want to be awake either cause the feeling haunts me and the words are still ringing in my head.
If that ever happens for real...I'm gonna get myself so drunk that my head falls off, and if that doesn't work I'll just have to throw myself in the lake...

I'm hungry..

Straight back to the pain
And all the way back again
Taking me to the pain
And all the way back

My mind is playing tricks on me. It's being cruel to be. It's lying to me!
Stop it. I can be happy with what I have, cause it's the best I have ever had. It's just me.. It's just me..
Think of good things..
But everytime I try to think of something good, when I need to think of something good, other things just start popping up in my mind, reminding me.. I don't need to be reminded.
I need strenght. I need will.
I want to be better. I want to be able to say what I think, when it's important.. I want to, but the words just get stuck in my throath. I guess the definition of important is a bit lucid. What I consider to be important is to be able to talk to the persons I trust, whatever it may be about. This mental blockade of mine is driving me insane!
Help me..

I want to be someone else.

Tell me I'm fine as I am.. No, make me believe it.

Confusion is the worst of feelings, as it is not a feeling in itself as much a mixture of unreadable feelings.

Maybe the day began good. I don't remember.
Maybe at some point I felt fine. I don't remember.
Now.. I'm just miserable. Why? Not really sure.
There is, at the moment an empty space that needs to be filled, and I'm feeling a bit desperate. Not desperate like in "I could do anything" but more like I just need something, but still in my nice litte boundries.
God forgot to give me social abilities.

At some point I felt fine. When hands and other bodyparts (heads, legs, elbows?) collided over a few cards. Violence is fun.

Can you teach me to feel it
I'll take it step by step so I never miss a thing
Make me feel it

I am a pessimist.
I believe with every atom in me that I am bound for disaster. When I for the moment am proven wrong, I'm happy for a while, and then I explain it with that worse times are coming ahead, and then I'll do something really stupid.
However, good things happen to me all to often these days, so I'm getting a bit confused, and scared to be honest. If I lose these good things I'll just be my old rotten self again. Right now I'm just trying to be as good as I can, in the fear of doing it wrong, for when I do it wrong.. I did say I was bound for disaster, right?

I am hearing the words I always wished I would hear someday, yet it's not fully what I expected it to be. No, cause you have to believe the words you hear. I know the mind that formed those words for me believes it, I can see that, but my own mind just doesn't seem to be able to think good things about me for a longer period of time.

Fear, it such a strong feeling, and a feeling hard to express, as I feel it. Of course we are afraid of losing the good things in our life, that's normal, isn't it? But what I fear is that I will be the reason... Someone that can shut that pessimistic part of me down so I can be happy for a while again??

I have this obsession. I need to know what people think of me, and preferably not only the good things. But no one ever tells me. "I'm a bit annoying sometimes though, aren't I? Aren't I? Aren't I??" "Well you are now!" It's more up to my own imagination to decide what others think of me and that isn't exactly the bes either. Why? Cause I'm a pessimist. In my world, if they don't say what they think about be, they hate me...

I learn about life through your life
I learn about touch through your hands
I learn about love through your heart
I learn to be kind where I can

Fine, I don't have cookies at this very moment, but perhaps something here will be as good as cookies! Who knows, I might be an exellent thinker..