by leaving this place
some thoughts we left behind
some good and some sad


Well... How can we describe what happened? Disaster? Might be a good word.
I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't have said anything. I should have waited. Now things have just become so hard. Do you know what it feels like to really really not want to go home? After all that was said...
I just can't believe it. I expected them to not like it very much, but that was like beyond dislike. I'm now an utter disappointment to them. I feel hated and unwelcomed.
Something I said she took like a threat, like I just said it to be nasty. It wasn't like that. I was just trying to explain how I work in situations where they yell at me, trying to convince me of something. I tried to tell her something about how I work, because she never figured it out herself. But then I became a defiant 12-year old, which was just unfair.
It feels like I'll never get them to understand. It feels like mission impossible, and therefore it's not even worth trying. It would be so much easier to just let it be. Just ignore every atempt they make to try to comvince me I'm doing the wrong thing, or just yell at me for being so incredibly stupid. I would just be so easy... But the easy ways isn't always the right one, is it?

It just hurts so much. I shouldn't be like that.

And in all this there are those who understand, and give me support, even from unexpected directions... I want to thank you for that. It warms my heart, it helps...

But I'm still afraid. I couldn't sleep. I still have to go home...

it's a fool's game
it's a rat race
are you tempted
to be be rented

...are you stable?
am I able?

she says "One more? Just what are you scared of?"
he says "what for? ..."

can you face it
when you're wasted
are you sober
before its over

carbon dated
over-rated
carton flavoured
little "Miss Behaviour"

I made my decision
And someone's got to be hurt
Sometimes people are meant to stay
Maybe I will be someday

Yes, the decision is made.
I've thought about it for some time now. I've gone through everything bad that could come out of it, and everything reason why I should or should not do it. I could make a list, but it would indeed become long, and I would certainly forget something.
   I've also discussed it with anyone sensible about different aspects and problems that might occur. Now, I've made a decision. It has been on my tongue for some time now, but now it's made, now it's for real.

I will take a year of from studies, I will get a job (whatever the job might be) and I will move to a small town in Småland. Yes, I might hate not being in school anymore (I'm bringing my mathbooks!) and I might hate whatever job I get, and things might not work out between my love and me, and so on and so on. There are risks, of course. But it's not like I'm doing it just cause he's not going to start studing. I'm so deeply tired of school and all that comes with it, and I can't see how I can handle three to five more years of it. I just don't see myself if that position yet.
   And it's not like I feel grown up. I don't feel mature enough to go wandering out into the big unknown by myself yet. Honestly, I don't know how to take care of myself, and there is no time now to learn how, if I would be moving to the big unknown by the end of summer. I don't feel ready to just start learning to know new people yet. Not in the extend that is needed there. No, I have to grow a little first. I have to learn more about myself first, I have to evolve, I have to get away from the scenery of that horrible town and give myself another chance, before plunging headfirst into darkness. Ah, they'd say that they would be by my side and help me through everything in the beggining, but the truth is that they would be miles and miles away, and what good can they do then? I'd be alone. I'd panic at the first problem, issue. I know myself, and I know that panic is always the first step in those situations.
   Also, I still don't know what I want out of life yet. I don't know what I'd be willing to lay down three to five years of my life to study and then work with. I can't make a decision about that if I haven't found anything that makes me sure that that's the right thing, that's what I want to do. And I haven't found anything like that yet. I don't have the "wow!"-feeling about anything yet... And if I then go ahead and just choose something cause I feel I have to at least study right away, and probably end up hating it, not feeling up to it, I'd have wasted 1 year of my life, and on top of that I'd be in dept to CSN for one year wasted. I don't want that either...
   There are so many reasons for one and the other, whether to study or to work. But I have to be the one to make the decision, based on my own feelings about myself (because this is foremost about me, whatever you might think) and I have to do what feels best for me right now. What comes in the future we can not know, and there are risks in everything, but I have to take a step, and this is what I'm doing now. I have controll over my own life, and I might be just a bit stronger than you think. And if it's a mistake.. well, the I have learned something new. I can't learn from others' mistakes. It doesn't work that way. I can't just hide and let others decide for me, just because they say that they know better than me what's best for me. Life doesn't work that way. I may not know what is best for me, but I do know what I want, and that's how you must life. Do what you want not what others want for you, not what others might think you want.
   That's what's been annoying me by the way. Them trying to decide for me, where to live, where to go to school. When I'm irritaded that's what it feels like they're doing. Yes, they're just trying to help me, they are just trying to do what they think is best for me, protect me in some matter, but they have to let me go. They have to let me think and make my own decisions instead of forcing these ideas into my head that I'm no capable of doing anything else than to apply to an university. I know you're just trying to help me, but just let me do everything myself...
   While I'm at it I can also mention that the whole thing with wanting to talk sense into him because it's apperently for my own good is just nonsense. What I do with my life you might just be allowed to have opinions about, but when it comes to what he does then you have no right to try to convince him that he's doing the (in your eyes) wrong thing. That has nothing to do with you, so just keep out of it.

Well, now that I've said that... Feels a bit better. Now I just have to tell them straight... That, my friends, is going to be a bit harder.

with endless drive
to make the grade
then one day
she woke up to find
the perfect girl
had lost her mind

once barely taking a break
now she sleeps the days away
she helplessly stands by
it's meaningless to try
all she wants to do is cry
no one ever knew she was so sad

cause even though she gets so high
and thinks that she can fly
she will fall out of the sky

I've got a paper to write and somehow I always manage to do something else instead. Well, most of the time I do nothing, but this time I at least did something else than sit here. Mostly cause I actually got as far as to my room, but never actually sat down and wrote something on that god damn thing.
And the devil is coming...

Anyhow, today has yet to prove itself worthy of being called day. I don't feel good, not in the mind and not in the body. I still have to make the final decision, I still have to talk to them, and I still have too much to do. All that has made me cranky lately, and together with the frustration there has been minor outbursts of both major irritation, anger, insanity, and sadly enough I just took it a bit too far. Again. I'm sorry. I really am. Give me a "torture-me-elmo" and I'll be fine. As long as Elmo screams...

Life is a bitch really. I knew that. The fact keeps hitting me in the face though, and it's starting to get annoying. Or am I just... tired of it all?

I better go do something now. What I'm supposed to do, hopefully. I'm in a prefect mood to write about evil and the devil.

still it's hard to just get by
it seems so meaningless to try
when all I want to do is cry
who would ever know I felt so sad

even though I get so high
I know that I will never fly
and when I fall out of the sky
who'll be standing by

will you be standing by?

Yes, I've been lazy. But I haven't got anything to really spill out. And there has been a lot of other stuff to think about. Things that often doesn't need to be put in words... here. But now comes the great question, the question that might decide how my life will be, what the future will hold.
I'm not good at these life-altering decisions. There is just so much to take into consideration. So many "what if"-situations. But I've almost come to a conclusion. Now I have to build arguments around the "what if"'s that will be thrown my way, or rather: that will be slapped in my face. I have to figure out myself that what I am sure about right now really is the best decision. I have to figure out what to live by. Shall I rush head first into the unknown, try to accomplish some sort of high-standard goals, live up to everyones expecations of me, learn to live by myself, put myself through all that comes with that... Or shall I be cautious, take it day by day, take a rest, be where I feel at home, learn how it is to live with someone other than my parents, learn what needs to be done, gather experience, and then rush head first into the unknown?

Education should come first. If will lay the base of your life. Your love will hold, distance is a trivial matter for you. You have to build a foundation and think about your own life.

You have to do what you feel is right. You have to see within yourself what you're ready for, what you're capable of. If you feel you need to take a break, take a break. If you feel you want to go ahead, go ahead. But follow your own mind. What is best for you, only you can decide.

If you don't know what you want, don't take the risk of ending up regretting heartily your choices in life. If you haven't found what you want to study, wait, search, and take another chance later. Education is important, but more so is the lust for what you're learning. There has to be a deep desire to learn, and a feeling that it was the right choice. If you can't decide, if you put it up, you're indecicive, and therefore not ready to make that decision. Wait, and see. And while you wait, live a little.

What if..

So many voices in my head. So many arguments, so many "what if"-scenarios. Is it a sane idea? Or insane... I don't know what's best for me. I can only guess. I can do and decide based upon my feelings, what I feel capable of. I can't predict the future. But I do know one thing...
In the end, whatever decision I make, as long as it feels right for me, it will be right.
And in the end, I will not alow myself to get stuck.


If you wanted to get things over and done with
That's alright
If you think that it's washed up, rinsed out and spun with
Well, not quite

If you feel you've done enough
If you feel you've done enough

It's enough
That's the game
It's the rules that stop us going insane
It's the smile
It's the race
It's the notches that we carve on our face

But did I tell you that
Nothing matters but the momentary touch of your hand
Nothing matters but the times you do as much as you can
Nothing matters but the softness of your skin
And you're really not aware of the trouble that we're in

If you wanted to try things, whisper it dryly
And I might
Now, if you think that I'm different, just ever so slightly
Then you're right

If you think you've said enough
If you think you've said enough

It's enough
That's the game
It's the reason that we lost when we played
It's the sleep
That I lose
It's a lifetime spent avoiding the news

But did I tell you that
Nothing matters but the momentary touch of your hand
Nothing matters but the times you do as much as you can
Nothing matters but the softness of your skin
And you're really not aware of the trouble that we're in

It's enough
That's the game
It's the rules that stop us going insane
It's the smile
It's the race
It's the notches that we carve on our face
It's enough
That's the game
It's the reason that we lost when we played
It's the sleep
That I lose
It's a lifetime spent avoiding the news

And you're really not aware of the trouble that we're in
No, you're really not aware of the trouble that we're in